Change, or lack of.

After we got home tonight, my mom causally slipped in that her and my dad were thinking about moving out of my childhood home. Seeing as I don't technically live there anymore, and won't ever again, this shouldn't be a big deal, but as I laid on the couch tonight, with my mom's puppy in my lap and D sleeping next to be, I was overwhelmed. I set down my book, held my coffee with both hands, and stared into the fire. Change is not something I embrace or accept well, even just potential change. I look at the (gorgeous) ring on my left hand, think of all my transcripts say I've accomplished, consider the life plan I've laid out... and realize they're all coming to fruition, and I haven't considered the breadth of what that means: Life's moving on, and change is unstoppable.
I'm a decent student. Not great, but a 3.5 tried and true. I work hard, participate, and take about 24 credits per quarter; it's all I've known since I was 16 years old. But with my recent decision to not go straight into grad school, the comfort and routine of this familiar "lifestyle" will be over in 6 months... My whole life, and one day I'm "done". Everything will be in transition towards getting a new job, maybe applying to further education, and supporting my family... Everything will change.
In 200 days (exactly!), D & I'll be married! I'm so incredibly excited, but with that comes such a strong pressure to be "ready". There's no way I'll have any idea what I'm getting myself into until I can look back, 10 years down the road, and laugh at my ignorance. My own desires and the expectations of others present this perfect wife image from day one, and I know that my own definition of failure will be the downfall of my attempts... For those of you who are married/engaged, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you know this feeling, but for those of you who aren't: Do you know how heart-stopping it is to promise someone the rest of your life? Even when you know that person is the only one you'd want to marry? Because it's terrifying. I've known D was the person I was gonna marry for years now, and yet I don't feel worthy of being his wife, and therefore project that he feels that way as well. I know (logically) that he does't find me unworthy or inferior, but that perfection complex always seems to sneak in and make my heart question what my brain knows. My own insecurity effects more than just me now, and in seven months, nothing will be about me anymore. My whole life has been spent being self-absorbed and here I am, vowing to put someone else first? Everything will change.
I've had such a black and white life plan since I was 15 years old, with a start and finish point and all the steps between listed out; it was beautiful and made me feel safe and successful. Aside from college degrees and someday being a wife, nothing on that flawless flowchart lines up anymore and although I know I can't live my life with a checklist, I can damn well try. Now, this picture-perfect bubble that I've dreamed of for over five years is bursting, and although the alternatives are incredibly exciting, it's disorienting to feel lost. My plan's not waiting on anyone, myself included, and I'm about to be launched into it, headfirst. Ready or not, everything will change.
To backtrack up the rabbit trail, the sale of my parents house is much more than simply tangible. By my parents downsizing, they're admitting to an empty nest and a new chapter of life... When did they get old enough to head into this season of life? What about the pets we buried in the backyard? Will I still have a bedroom with them (told you I was self centered...), or will my kids someday? I had a much deeper appreciation for our beautiful house when I realized someone else could call it home sooner-rather-than-later. I ran my hands over the granite, and thought of how everything here was picked out to suit my parents specifically. They've spent the last 16 years of their lives here, basically rebuilt it from the ground up, crafted it to match years worth of dreams and months worth of work, and now it could all be gone.

But isn't that life? You get it together, exactly as you've imagined it, and all of a sudden it becomes time to say goodbye. 

I'm never quite ready for that part, even when all the signs are present. I'm about to say goodbye to my time as an undergrad, as a roommate, and as a daughter (primarily)... and although I'm becoming a professional, a wife, and beginning my life, it feels like all of those things will be missed. We always want what we can't have, and appreciate it once it's gone, but the transition into the unknown petrifies me. Really, I'd be okay with staying in that picturesque dream, where all is as it should be. I know I'd never grow or be challenged, but with my hatred of change, regardless of if it's positive or negative, I'd rather be stagnant than great, and therein lies the problem.

2013, be good to me. Let the changes come naturally and subtly, and keep them positive... I don't know if I could handle negative change too.