You'd never know it by looking at me, but today was a fabulous day: Sunny (rare), free latte, night class cancelled, and great options for next term...
Yet, I'm sniffling and attempting to keep the eyeliner from dripping off my chin.
Sometimes, I think we (ahem, I) get so comfortable with the day-to-day mediocre, that when "good" happens, bad has shows up to balance things back out.
My roommate's been gone for a week, trying to salvage a toxic relationship. I'm on the fence about if I wanna hold her or hit her... But being alone takes it's toll. With my incredibly hectic schedule (28 upper division credits...), she's really the only person I get to spend time with regularly and it's only because we live together. But instead of having a sounding board, an extra set of hands to help with cooking/chores, and a friend to sit down with at the end of a long day, I have a very empty apartment. I've always been fiercely independent, and really like doing things by myself... I get the odd looks at restaurants, movies, etc. with every reservation/ticket/whatever "for one". But for me, it's the norm as an only child and I really cherish it. Now, independent and alone are vastly different; one is a choice, one is the absence of other people. Even when J and I sit in other rooms, or hole-up in our bedrooms, its reassuring to know there is someone near by. This week, I haven't had that, and its amazing how much you keep inside without someone to just discuss your day with.
This is contributing factor A.
D and I are looking into buying a house/condo and things are really starting to get moving from our end. Today though, I couldn't get ahold of anyone helpful at the bank, realtor, etc. which is frustrating when you see these people as deciding factors of your future. Aside from all of that, we're new to the scene and half of the jargon goes right over our heads, so house hunting online (which we've been doing) can raise more questions than answers. That being said, we had found 12-ish houses and condos that we wanted more information on, and then wanted to narrow down to go see. Well, today, in my attempt to evade all things academic, I did some more research and found almost 30 ADDITIONAL homes that I just wanted us to discuss. Back to factor A, I've been alone at home for a week, so this virtual house hunt (along with God-forsaken amounts of HGTV) was an escape for me. I took notes on each house and saved a few pictures along side them. When D was back from dinner with his friends, he called me from bed, clearly exhausted and overwhelmed. After confounding miscommunications from this last week, I already feel that I've been "picking up the slack" so to speak on really important factors and feel (incorrectly, but still) that I'm taking this more seriously than him or that this is more important to me. So after hours of research, being put on hold, and getting my hopes up, he's not interested because he's tired and he thinks I expect too much. Probably true, but not the right thing to say to someone who is trying so hard to adapt and make the most of what (little) we'll have.
This is contributing factor B.
I'm taking 28 credits this term, my senior year. This doesn't deserve an explanation, but I'm ranting and not stopping any time soon. I'm 20 years old, and have one class left on my bachelors in Psych, a finished minor in Geriatrics, one term left on my bachelors in American Sign Language, a finished Geriatric Wellness Instructor certificate, and a soon-to-be finished Medical Interpreting certificate. This isn't normal, nor expected of me. But, as can be imagined, my stress levels are through the roof. Now, this seems to be my biggest concern in life, so I know I've got it good right now, but it's definitely affecting my day-to-day as well. I'm so tired, and honestly, at this point, don't care anymore. I'm burned out in the clinical sense of the word. If there weren't repercussions, I'd quit and move home now. I'm just beyond caring. Now, obviously, this is a "heart" feeling and my "head" always wins in the end, but it doesn't make the stress dissipate any faster.
This is contributing factor C.
[TMI] I've been on my period for 40-something days now. Enough said.
This is contributing factor D.
Life happens. You maintain or lose relationships, you deal with the daily problems of not having enough, doing enough, or being enough. You have to call your mom and let her know you're not failing too miserably or dead in a ditch anywhere. You pull all nighters and wear a bun three days in a row. Life keeps up, or even speeds up.
This is contributing factor E.
My relationship is long distance. It's not perfect, but it's pretty damn close and its hard to see it strain under (factor E) life and (factor C) stress and seeing the person you love struggle. I hate being this far away, it makes me helpless. And if the hollow list of accomplishments above doesn't reflect the fact that I don't do "helpless", I don't know what would. It's hard to fit in lunch time phone calls, evening skype sessions, and consistent text messages. In our world, that means time-in-the-car-while-I'm-still-on-the-clock-and-eating phone calls that end up cutting out or picking up too much road noise. It means 10-minutes-after-dinner-before-his-show-and-my-homework-but-before-he-heads-to-bed-early-and-I stay-up-until-sunrise skype sessions. For us, it means rebooted phones, duplicate messages, and "send failures". It's just plain hard. Now I understand that we go three-weeks/month without each other, and some military wives go months, even years, but at my core I couldn't do that. This is my personal struggle, and I knew before D that I couldn't do military. Dated one Air Force pilot and knew it was over before he graduated bootcamp. Long distance sucks, plain and simple.
This is contributing factor F.
Again, sometimes the bad creeps in to bring down the good to a manageable level... And I'm use to it. But it doesn't make it any easier.
It's just a hard few weeks right now, and I'd really like to feel like me again.
Someday, soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment